the impossible carl vol.1
Even as our minds create logic and try to reorganize the world in neat little workable categories, the human mind itself is of the world, and as such, is itself as much a place of paradox as it is of reason.
To put that in Dr. Phil terms, take myself for example. One of the things about me is that in as much as I can be such a hopelessly insecure wimp, I also have moments wherein I feel like I’m surrrounded by idiots. (fine, not moments. more like a general tendency. hehe) Now, while it is entirely possible, and probable even ,that my circumstances are such that I do mingle with the less ‘fortunate’ (or less burdened?) it just disturbs me to think that I can be one of ‘em I’m-so-much-better-than-you-so-you-should-all-die people. Part of the reason I can be like that is probably because I feel like I expect such great things of myself, so in turn it irritates me when other people don’t measure up to that or don’t expect as much from themselves. That being said, it doesn’t seem so paradoxical after all. My quasi-superiority complex is probably a defense mech for my aforementioned insecurity.
But like I mentioned to my friend Rome during a drinking binge/oppurtunity for catharsis, such a "condition" can actually be a good thing in that you can actually be the bigger man in most situations and just use whatever you have to understand, and more importantly be of help to, others.
One of the cases in point: I recently got a semi-promotion at work. I’ve been downplaying it so much because it doesn’t really give me a raise, just a title and additional responsibilities to coach newbies. And I feel like even with it, I’m still unacceptably underemployed, so much so that I fail to appreciate that fact that it STILL IS a promotion and that it gives me the oppurtunity to teach and help.
I know a little ambition can’t hurt, but it just gets tiring to always be so hungry for more. The superego strikes again.
July 28th, 2006 at 6:48 am
Congratulations, you coach you!